quick crit 01: picture this

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Author: Sasha/Silent City
Link: Picture This: 01
Written by Taylor, 10/20/10

first paragraph needs some sentence length variation - too short and choppy, ruins the flow
"you're mine" is a little bit creepy, maybe try to make a little more romantic -- as is 'capturing the soul' - too creepy
intro is a good idea, but perhaps vary the story a bit and give more detail about how the relationship was as a whole rather than just a small portion - give the reader a look into the 'past' relationship before bringing back into the present
"'That,' Rebecca says, with a shake of her head. 'is sad.'" - the period should be a comma - "her head, 'is sad'."
the tense is a bit awkward, maybe try experimenting with a different tense to convey the story -- look at examples from published and non-published authors
"getting too old for this shit" = when speaking in this paragraph, it is in the 'past' tense, and then in that line it switches to 'present' (ie. "this") - doesn't work, maybe just opt out that line and explain it - besides, what is 'this shit' that he's referring to?
awkward flow in paragraphs, need to vary up the lines and have sentences flow into each other - try reading out loud or get an experienced beta to do the same
"she assured me - most of the story is written in 'present', this action is 'past'
Quinn = token gay guy - give him more personality that doesn't make him the stock 'gay guy' that every female wants to have. give him more character and change his actions so he isn't the same stereotype, make him your own character (and besides, not all gay guys need to be raging, either)
Need to cut out a bunch of extra added things like: “I sip what's left of my gin and tonic”, “I raise my eyebrow. Quinn notices and scowls.”, “I scrunch up my nose when she reaches for an unsalted pretzel from the tiny wooden bowl on the bar counter in front of her.”, “I loop my arms around his neck and kiss his cheek.” - take away from the story and is really unnecessary, doesn't add to it
Also, with "I loop my arms around his neck and kiss his cheek", another stock, stereotypical action that a gay man and his female friend perform - step away from that and try and do a hand squeeze or something else that isn't so typical and overused, especially when using such a stereotypical character
"I practically skip inside" - skipping is a very childish action, takes years and realism off of your seemingly 'adult' character
"most cutest" change to 'cutest', the 'most' in front is grammatically incorrect
the relationship between Benny and Lola is okay, but another stereotype and overused one - maybe don't have her 'flirt' with him because that's always, always used and it is really artificial - have then speak to each other differenly and maybe cut out the 'gorgeous' smile, because it just makes everything not link together properly
the rough appearance of Benny paired with the 'cutest' smile doesn't give the effect that was intended, kind of makes him unrealstic in a way, doesn't seem like he could be a real person
adding on all the 'childish' and 'cutesy' talk in the story to the supposed 'adult' story takes the maturity level down a lot and ruins the tone that was set early on in the story - where the 'adult' tone was set - it also ruins the characters as their age is put into question and an older reader would look at this and realize that a much younger individual is writing from the point of view of an older person -- you can't just assume the way they act, you need to know and portray it more maturely
as well, seems like she wouldn't order from the 'deep fry cook', she would order from a waitress or waiter
"sliding into the cracked red vinyl" - she isn't sliding into the vinyl material, she's sliding into the booth, onto the vinyl - watch the way you word things
"I nearly call on the cake. That would've been a tragedy" - not needed, probably cut
"Quinn springs back" - childish antic, cuts down age
"originil" - 'original'
"Quinn cackles gleefully" - 'cackle' is not used welll here; used more for a witch or an evil sound, and then adding 'gleefully' onto it makes him sound mad (or crazy)
"An hour and a half flies by" - we have no concept of the time as it is, and this is a lazy way to show the passing of time - need more description so that time means something to the reader
"Quinn nodds in agreement" - 'nods'
"He flips me from the backstead" - immature, probably cut
there's too much dialogue and not enough setting established, also characters are all super shallow and artificial - we get no sense of who they are or why we're reading about them. you need to give them depth, especially in the first chapter - you want readers to come back for more
a lot of the dialogue is useless information that doesn't add to the story, and instead of filling up a chapter with slow and shallow dialogue that lowers the ages of the characters, it should be pumped up and filled with information that adds to the story and the scene, like setting and descriptions!
The characters don't act like they're of age - 19 or 21 - and it shows that the writer isn't either - need to make the characters much more mature than they are because they sound like 14 year olds opposed to young adults - try and write in your age range, as well, that helps a lot
dialogue only reveals the lack of realism in their ages, nothing more
seem to go off topic a lot, like in the beginning 'virginity' was brought in and then discarded - didn't add to the characters or the story, so why put it in? everything needs to have a point and a place in the story!
i just realized the main character is supposed to be 24 - she does not act 24
"sweet dreams awesome nights, and good morning shitty deals." - sentence fragment and not a full sentence - maybe try to explain it rather than random words strung together
a lot of the ending part - like her getting into bed - is unneccesary - don't put in information that is just for time to pass

Overall, I think that 'Picture This' has a long way to go before it can stand on its own. It is filled with stereotypes and a lack of realism, especially in character. The story has the base idea of a lost love returning, but the reader loses sight of that with all the unnecessary dialogue and useless added thoughts. One thing to remember is that everything down to the punctuation in a story should be vital. If information is added for no apparent reason and doesn't help move the plot forward or establish the characters, then it isn't needed in a story. A helpful hint for this story would be to change it from an 'adult' story to a high school story, just so there would be no discrepancy between the ages.

I think another helpful bit of advice would be to find an experienced Beta who can help look over drafts for errors and information that is unwanted. Experiment with point of views and tenses, especially by looking at other authors stories, and then take a fresh leap at 'Picture This'. The more you revise, the better it will look, and the happier you will be with your final outcome.