crit 02: nathaniel on love

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Author: Jordan/Mumford and Sons
Link: Nathaniel on Love
Written by Taylor, 12/17/10

‘Nathaniel on Love’ is a romance, following the plight of a young teenage boy who is smitten with a girl who is literally untouchable. Most of the chapters contain awkward sentences and are loaded with extra commas, but it doesn’t take much away from the story. The small editing details can be easily looked and fixed up by a beta or a pair of good eyes. Awkward sentences that appear choppy and erratic can be weeded out by reading over the lines out loud and making sure it sounds right. The sound of a sentence is just as important as the structure.

One of the biggest pet-peeves I have is seeing those one-sentence paragraphs that are added in to be dramatic and emphasize a point, but really, if the sentence is strong enough it can have the same effect anywhere else. I was also told by my high school English teacher that paragraphs should have a minimum of three sentences, and that only writers who understand sentence fragments can get away with the one-liners. It also chops up the fluidity of the chapter and if you’re reading each line with emphasis, it’s all disconnected and doesn’t sound or look right. My advice would be to follow the three-sentence paragraph rule and leave the emphasis for the ends of paragraphs, maybe use some italics, but leave the one-line paragraphs at home.

With the chapter titles, the “part of …” seems a bit uninformative. I think reverting to the standard ‘Introduction’ and ‘Chapter #’ would be better, or even titling them properly. The emotional introduction gives a view into the main genre of the story and gives the reader a view into Nate’s trials. Once again, we have all these one-sentence paragraphs which need to be filled in, or condensed into a full paragraph. Especially with the repetition of these one-lines it takes the emphasis away the more and more there are. There is also reference to a “dying meadow” at the end of the introduction, which I feel is a bit cliché as well as possibly irrelevant. I am hoping that the meadow will come into play later on in the story, if not then that needs to be removed. Never write in anything that isn’t important.

For the first full chapter, it starts out nicely with commenting on the narrator’s history with this girl, Libby. At the part when “this continued for two years”, the realism fades a little bit. It seems peculiar that she would have been completely absent from school for two years, yet be registered for school and not have the principal get involved. I think that her skipping should be spotted and it seemed unlikely for a girl like Libby to skip. But when she appeared at school, she continuously looked different. Maybe to lengthen the time that Nate doesn’t see her is when she gets kicked out and sent to a reform school, or to an alternative school to deal with her ‘skipping’ or whatever it is she does. Because honestly, the school would not a) have her registered or b) not care if she failed to show up to class without any excuses for more than two weeks. And then accepting her homework in spite of that is also a little strange.

You can still build up that dedication that Nate has with her scattered appearances at school, maybe have her say she’s ‘sick’ and that’s why he brings them home. You might need to think a little on that aspect to make it seem much more likely and continue to lead your readers into this story. The moment they doubt the reality you’re building, the more likely they are to become disenchanted with the story. You need to make not only your world real, but you make your readers believe that it’s real. Realism is one of the most important parts to writing fiction.

I like how the camera is brought back away from Libby and directed towards the town for a moment, which I think you need more of in the story. Although the story is about Libby, it is also about Nate and we don’t get enough from him out of his narration. The story shouldn’t just revolve around Libby and all these incidents with Libby, you need to space it out so he is elsewhere in the setting, building up the other characters, and ultimately, building up himself. It will strengthen your story and give it more backbone to support it, rather than just Libby and Nate.

I think the pronunciations – “pronounce roe dean not roe din” – and the one with Juno is a bit unnecessary, it takes away from the running direction of the scene and makes it stop a bit. During this particular scene of the story, we have this giant gap between when Libby left to when Libby returned. What happened to Nate during that period? Did he really think about Libby every waking moment and not have time to do anything else? Like I mentioned above, the story is filled with Libby, but we need more than just her character. As for Juno, her character introduction with Libby’s return seems a bit much. Her appearance seems like a bit of a tangent away from the real story, not really adding to it. Maybe tone Juno down, have her already as a student there, etc. Brainstorm and find a way to just tone down her sudden appearance in the story. I think it’s enough shock that Libby came back.

There are many instances in the story where little details are added that don’t propel the story further, or are just not really important to a scene. With sentences such as “I had my cell phone in my lap, but it was on silent so I wasn’t sure why I had it out anyway”, it seems really unnecessary to have the silent phone in his lap. We can assume that a teenager has a cellphone, so sticking it in his lap for no reason is just a waste of words. You should only place in details that are important to setting, character development, the plot, and propelling your story farther. That sentence doesn’t do any of the above.

An instance of awkward words or sentences is when Nate’s head is placed on an “obtuse angle”. It just sounds awkward and not very visually appealing to the eye. Maybe just say “on an angle” opposed to the exact one.

Earlier in the story, Nate described how Libby looked the same, but farther along he said that “She’d grown since eighth grade, unsurprisingly. She was taller now, but still shorter than me, and her dark hair had grown out. She’d taken on a curvier, more feminine shape too.” How can she be the same but different? I think you should clarify either in the first mention or the later whether or not she is different. Maybe he could notice that she looked different in the first instance, but when she sat down closer he could “still see traces of the old Libby” in her.

The reference to “like clockwork” should be a reference to a continuous routine, one that Libby does not seem to have. So when she appears in the doorway, don’t use “like clockwork” because you really mean to say that her attendance was very erratic, not routine. As well, there are many “kind of” type words that indicate a meeting halfway between “is” or “isn’t”. Normally it is wise to stick to “is” or “isn’t”, not trying to go in between. For example, don’t say her hair was “kind of brown”, just say it was brown (my own example). And you should be careful of repeating descriptions, such as “jasmine and caraway” – if you stated it once how she smells, then you can assume the reader still knows what she smells like.

With other characters, and not just Nate’s lack of development, Will and Terry need more scenes. There is a lack of evidence leading Terry to be a female, and the only detail that tells us her sex is when she puts on a dress in the fourth chapter. Even just squeezing in a “she did this” when referring to Terry, you have just stated her sex. You also want to make that clear early on, and not have your characters guessing they are male until they are putting on a dress. I think that Will and Terry need to have more moments with Nate, showing their relationship with each other, how close they are, how long they’ve been friends, etc. Because building up other relationships helps build up the story, and when Will gives Nate advice, it seems much more likely that he took it seriously if they’re really close. This problem just reverts back to the constant Libby content. Libby can still be the focus, you just need to tie in the other characters as well to make it multi-dimensional.

For the last chapter with the ‘party scene’, I think you know that its overdone and overworked, so you can’t really be original with it. I like the end where Nate automatically takes responsibility for Libby, even though she clearly doesn’t care (on the outside) for him. It works for the story because we know that Nate will do anything for her. So the scene works for him, but you need to be able to twist the scene to make it a little more your own. Maybe have Nate and his friends feel awkward and out of place, because we get the feel that they don’t party very often. I also think that Libby’s drunkenness is a bit too passive. Maybe watch a video on youtube of a really drunk person, and then you can capture how they really are. Some of her lines don’t seem like she’s inebriated, but I don’t want you to get carried away and make her slur everything. You need to find a happy balance between incoherent and sober to achieve the right affect. Otherwise, her being that drunk is a little unrealistic.

‘Nathaniel on Love’ is a young story that still needs work, but it’s off to a good start. There is nothing in this story that can’t be fixed with simple revision. As outlined above, clear out those one-liners, fix up the awkward sentences, and fill in your world with vivid setting, character descriptions, and relationships. While the story does revolve around Libby, it also revolves around Nate and his life. So why don’t we get a view of his world, the one that’s detached from Libby? In no time, this story will flourish. Just infuse some hard work and some beta assistance.